I just cut myself again for the first time in forever. I sliced into myself like it was nithing,and I'm about to do it again. I don't know how much longer I can make it..or even want to. I've fucked up my life so much..I put trust and faith in somone I should never have..I almost did it tonight..I had it to my wrist and I couldn't do it because I love Ayden so much..If it wasn't for me I could leave this world and not regret it,Mabey I'd die with a smile on my face and blood running down my arm..Then I'd just be asleep forever. I thank god for Ayden though,don't get me wrong.I've got me and him in so much and he's gonna end up like me I'm afraid. I made a huge mistake on staying with Jonathan...I regret it right now. I have been for a while though.I still say if dad was here...none of this would be like this. If mom was here it might not be but then it could be worse. My life is over and I'm just 16. I wish I would die tonight...Mabey he hit me so hard in my stomach my spleen or something will rupture. Who am I kidding? I'm not that lucky. What do you do..when there's no future for you? There's just the past? Anyone who reads this pray for me...I can't take this much longer. I can't do it...Somone help.
Fuck everything.I love people so much and does anyone give a fuck about me? no they dont. not even my own husband. There's too many reasons to list. If it wasn't for Ayden I'd wish I'd done away with this all along time ago.
Fuck this damn holiday. Our sons real first easter..he cant be here..our 3 year anniversary and he cant be here..wheres a razor blade when you need one? I love you Jonathan.
Idk I'm confused.I did so good for so long with Jonboy with lots of things..I'm slipping again.Mabey it's feeling like he doesn't love me much anymore.Mabey it's my uncle moving in.Mabey it's missing dad or Mabey just all these memories I miss and cry over sometimes.I can't shut off my fucking mind.And Ian is so awsome right now. If I could I'd get smashed on Vodka,but I have none. I can't shut off any of this I bottled up to long again. It all flashes in my head. How he use dto hug me for no reason and kiss me and smile. All the laughs we shared...The nights we staye dup all night talking..How he'd walk to dads just to see me..How we'd sneak around..How he said "I love you" and it felt like he meant it...I can't take it now that it's gone.I could name off a million memories.Every detail.Like when me and joey and Jonathan staye dthe night together.He was so sweet.He just wante dto hold me. And like an idiot I wasn't happy with just that and I pushed for sex.I'd give up sex just to have that back. And when dad walked in while i was licking flavored body rub ooff hsi tummy.All he said was well he smile dtthen "Your her guinea pig now." He held me all night.Even after all the booze and morphine and coke he just held me.And he kissed me so softly to wake me up.Then we fucked right beside Joey's head while he was still asleep.Theres so many othe rtimes too. Now im crying.I don't think we'll ever get that back.It's not for my lack of trying. And I pray so hard we'll get it back every night.Please,God, answer my prayers.
yours
